Joaniescomments030401

It's Sunday night and we just got back from Boone. It was the kids' weekend to visit their dad. As usual, they were excited and chatty for the first part of the trip and sleeping soundly before we were halfway home.

As is also usual, whenever we go to Boone, I spend most of the trip there and back thinking about the decisions I made to divorce and to move here. I was very unhappy in my marriage for a long time, but that in itself is not a good reason to put children through a divorce. Divorce is the most unfair thing you can do to a child. However, sometimes it's unavoidable. What do you do when there is no way for the kids to win???

I still clearly remember the births of each of my kids. Those are my happiest memories. The feeling you have the first time you see your new son or daughter is indescribable. Like any parent, I wanted the best for my kids. I still think that what's best for kids is a happy secure home with two parents under the same roof.   But with the fighting they heard almost daily, and the other problems I won't even get into here, our home could have been described as anything but happy and secure. In short, I couldn't give my kids "the best". That's the part of the divorce that will always bother me.

When you fall short of "the best", all you can do is try to figure out what's "better". Do you stay in the situation and hope that maybe someday things will change for the better, or do you get out and try to make a decent life for yourself and the kids on your own?

Obviously, I chose the latter. And I don't regret that decision. There have been a lot of positive changes in the lives of my kids (and in mine). Being on my own with the kids, I've had to learn to balance out my life in a lot of ways. I used to work 2 (at one time 3) jobs and went weeks without a day off. I remember one time, when Jered brought a note home from school about an Easter program he would be participating in. I told him I would try to be there. He started crying and said "You'll be at work. All you ever do is work".    I did work a lot then because of our financial problems, but also because even a bad day at work was easier to deal with than the typical chaos at home. It's not right and I'm not proud of it, but that's what I did. Anyway, needless to say, I DID make it to that Easter program.

Since the divorce, I've learned an awful lot about pinching pennies, but more importantly, I've learned about being there for my kids. I figured out that a little of my time is more beneficial to my kids than the extra money. In spending that time with the kids I've gotten closer to them and have become more aware of what's going on in their lives. I guess maybe I've become a better mom. And most of the time they seem to be happy kids.

Now, for the guy who posted this website, and my reason for moving here........Well, that's one of the positive changes I mentioned earlier.   Until I met Jim, I never knew what it was like to have a partner. When I was married I was overwhelmed and frustrated much of the time. I felt like I was in it alone.   Now, I have somene who will actually check the oil in my car!!!! When I have to work early on Friday mornings, he gets Jered and Jessica off to school, and gets Jeanna to the sitter for me. In almost every respect, he tries to be there for me. It's really something I'm not used to. Sometimes, I feel guilty when he has to work on my car, or wash a few dishes in the house.   I still feel like I should be doing all of that myself. (I'm not complaining honey, really I'm not!!)

As for the kids, they still seem to adore him. They still stampede through the kitchen to meet Jim at the door when he comes home from work, and they still argue over who gets to sit next to him at dinner. Yep! Jim still has the fan club!!   (But now he has to share all of that attention with Jennie!!) He gets along well with all the kids, but he's become one of Jered's best buddies!
He and Jered shoot pool together and Jim helps Jered with his math and spelling (Jered got an A- on his last spelling test, not that I would ever brag!) They even have their own buddy handshake.
Jim has been a very positive influence on the kids, especially Jered.   The shouting matches have been replaced by rational (sometimes firm) discussions, and sometimes, they're actually listening!! All in all, they have a much better home life than they did two years ago.

So,..........getting back to those decisions I made.   It's still heartbreaking to see my kids cry and tell me that they miss daddy. Like I said, that's the part of the divorce that will probably always haunt me. But, what they got in the trade off, I'm sure, will be much better for them in the long run. Maybe, in this case what's "better" , might just turn out to be "the best".
                                                                                                    Joanie
                                                                                                    03/04/01